How to love a woman

“You may not be her first, her last, or her only. She loved before, she may love again. But if she loves you now, what else matters? She’s not perfect – you aren’t either, and the two of you may never be perfect together. But if she can make you laugh, cause you to think twice, and admit to being human and making mistakes, hold onto her and give her the most you can. She may not be thinking about you every second of the day, but she will give you a part of her that she knows you can break – her heart. So don’t hurt her, don’t change her, don’t analyze, and don’t expect more than she can give. Smile when she makes you happy, let her know when she makes you mad, and miss her when she’s not there.”

~ Bob Marley

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Love in an Email

“I know that I’m not easy, not easy to understand, not easy to bear, not easy to listen to, etc… but you try to overcome all that.

I want you to know that is not in vain. At the end of each day when I close my eyes and I complain about everything and about how miserable my life is, a blink and I realize how lucky I’m to one day had met you, one thought of you by my side makes me forget everything, I just thing of you laying next to me every day for eternity and I fall asleep.

My only struggle is that I want you so badly. I want you next to me, I want to share my life with you, I want to share every day and every moment with you, I want us to grow together… right now. But I can’t, there’s nothing I can do to make it happen. FRUSTRATION< MADNESS.  I need to ear your voice, I need to smell your fragrance, I need to feel your silky skin, I need to make one with you.

That is the only thing that makes me go mad and create all kind of odd situation between us me wanting you by my side but not being able to. I don’t know how to deal with that, I’ve been spoiled, for few years I did and I got what I wanted when I wanted so this situation it’s very hard for me to handle. I’m sorry you are the one suffering because of it. I’m already breaking my promess to  always make you happy no matter what.

I’m so sorry for making your life difficult instead of making it easier and happier. I hope in time I’ll make it up for it, I’m not sure if you’ll be happy with me or if I can make of you the princess you deserve to be. One thing is sure, since the day I kissed you, you haunt my mind and heart, my only goal since then is to make you happy and being happy because I’m doing so. So far I’m failing, the distance is not an excuse, maybe my frustration, my weakness, my fears, my ghosts,… are a possible reason, but there are no excuses.

From where I come from my only hopes were to survive, to make my mother not worried about myself, my future, to quietly lead a hard life and survive. Instead thanks to a few people I manage to overcome my complexes and do better than survive for the time being… until the day I met you when I felt that the miserable person I’m/was, was becoming the luckiest person in the world. So since then I think that the end is near, I fear the day you won’t love me any more will be around the corner, I fear that you’ll  soon realize you made a mistake and you’ll see you deserve better than me (… and you definitely do), I fear you’ll meet the man you really deserve…

After almost one year my love still growing for you, instead of fading out. It’s the most beautiful thing that ever happened to me. For long time I wish I could find the One person I could devote and dedicate my life to, the person that would be my motivation, my inspiration, my reason to be, my reason to settle down and think about the future, making a comfortable and healthy life, growing little angels, building the family I always dreamt of. And with you I found it, I feel so lucky and so greatful for that but every day that passes I feel and think you really deserve better than me, I feel that there is something wrong with the odds, I fear that soon the reason will take over taking you away from me, who don’t deserve you.

My life, my destiny is in your hands, it is all up to you. The place to be, the future the money, the soul, the heart… all. So think wisely, the choices I make and you make for me will write our future, don’t let it be but take it in hand. I’m yours.” — N

U + T²

We had a long talk last night. Around 5 hours long I think. It was one of the best talks we’ve had since being together. I think we both came away with the same solution..

U + T²

Understanding. Talking. Trusting.

We were able to talk and explain both our sides. I felt that he was accusing me, policing me, not accepting things from my view, me feeling like I was doing something wrong, not doing something good enough..

He felt like I didn’t care, that I hid things from him, that I had a “secret life” because with every time he asked the same question, he would get a different answer, I would leave him alone whenever we had problems..

During the 5 hours, we realised that all of this came from misunderstandings and assumptions we had made about each other. This made for an unstable foundation, so every time we thought we had a solution, we didn’t, because we weren’t seeing the real problem.

An example.. I thought that when he had a problem, I felt like I was being accused and the one in the wrong, so since I thought I was in the wrong, I would keep away. To him, that was the opposite of what he needed. He needed me to be there for him, to show him that I care, to be able to talk. Not even about us sometimes, but even other things to take his mind off his problems. To cheer him up because the problem wasn’t always regarding me. He said that over time, I stopped talking to him. Stopped telling him things. I realised that the reason why I stopped doing that, was because I thought he wasn’t interested. The way he responded to what I said would be silence, or “hmm.” To me, both mean, “please stop talking.. okay, moving on.. yeah, really not interested.. uh huh, boring boring boring.” He never did say any of that though. I just assumed my own meanings from his responses without talking to him and understanding him, and his decided the problem was me, so I just talked less to bore him.

This lead to him thinking that I didn’t want to talk to him, so he would have to ask me questions to fish information from me. Not in a bad way. What I did during the day, the conversations I had with people, who these people are to me, how I felt.. not in a nosy way, but that he felt I wasn’t letting him into my life, so he’s having to find ways to open me up to him. But every time he asked me, I would end up giving him a different reason each time as I was giving him the short version, because I thought what I had to say wasn’t interesting. My “different stories” made him feel like I was hiding things from him and he was finding it hard to trust me, so he would try to ask me more to get the full or right answer. However, to me, because he was asking me so much, I felt like he was policing me and trying to catch me out doing something wrong, so I just tried to make sure I was doing everything by the book so I couldn’t be wrong. Telling him “love you” and “miss you” when I got the chance to. My reactions made him think that I was treating him like a check box because my messages weren’t personalised and could have been sent to anyone. My friends or him. This made him feel needy for attention from me, so he would sometimes try to find a reason to fight, and this would lead me to thinking that it was something I did wrong, so I would either try to fix myself, or stay away since I was the problem and.. as you can see.. an an atomic bomb explodes.

All this because I believed that he wasn’t interested in what I had to say, because he and I didn’t talk about what his responses meant, so I misunderstood him, making me respond in ways that made him feel guilty about asking me so much and fighting. All we needed to do was to TALK, so that we could UNDERSTAND each other, and by default, TRUST should be built from that.

You can build whatever equation you want: U = T + T, T + U = T, etc. The important variables are U, T, and T. Understanding. Talking. Trusting.

He told me that I have more power over him than I think. Although he is a very hard person and can create a reason for anything, I have the ability to tell him off, shut him off, and make my point known. Despite his confidence, he knows he isn’t right all the time, and does want me to challenge him and prove him wrong. I think that along the way, I’ve come to react to him like a “deer in headlights” whenever we begin to fight. I think it’s from my misconceptions from the start.

I don’t think that we will be able to change ourselves right away. He knows that he’s been wrong, and I know that I’ve been wrong, so after almost 6 months of being together, we need to dredge up and release those beliefs we’ve had since the beginning. However, I’m glad that it’s only been 6 months, and I believe that it would be as difficult to let go. Thing is, a lot of simple things become a hundred times harder when you have countries between you, with time as your pilot, and money as your copilot. You’re restricted to be with each other and to grow as a normal couple should.

He and I weren’t built to have our relationship grow while being apart. I think we’ve found the solution to the mechanics behind our relationship. We now just need to find one to help conquer the distance, before moving forward to Algorithm M.