We had a long talk last night. Around 5 hours long I think. It was one of the best talks we’ve had since being together. I think we both came away with the same solution..
U + T²
Understanding. Talking. Trusting.
We were able to talk and explain both our sides. I felt that he was accusing me, policing me, not accepting things from my view, me feeling like I was doing something wrong, not doing something good enough..
He felt like I didn’t care, that I hid things from him, that I had a “secret life” because with every time he asked the same question, he would get a different answer, I would leave him alone whenever we had problems..
During the 5 hours, we realised that all of this came from misunderstandings and assumptions we had made about each other. This made for an unstable foundation, so every time we thought we had a solution, we didn’t, because we weren’t seeing the real problem.
An example.. I thought that when he had a problem, I felt like I was being accused and the one in the wrong, so since I thought I was in the wrong, I would keep away. To him, that was the opposite of what he needed. He needed me to be there for him, to show him that I care, to be able to talk. Not even about us sometimes, but even other things to take his mind off his problems. To cheer him up because the problem wasn’t always regarding me. He said that over time, I stopped talking to him. Stopped telling him things. I realised that the reason why I stopped doing that, was because I thought he wasn’t interested. The way he responded to what I said would be silence, or “hmm.” To me, both mean, “please stop talking.. okay, moving on.. yeah, really not interested.. uh huh, boring boring boring.” He never did say any of that though. I just assumed my own meanings from his responses without talking to him and understanding him, and his decided the problem was me, so I just talked less to bore him.
This lead to him thinking that I didn’t want to talk to him, so he would have to ask me questions to fish information from me. Not in a bad way. What I did during the day, the conversations I had with people, who these people are to me, how I felt.. not in a nosy way, but that he felt I wasn’t letting him into my life, so he’s having to find ways to open me up to him. But every time he asked me, I would end up giving him a different reason each time as I was giving him the short version, because I thought what I had to say wasn’t interesting. My “different stories” made him feel like I was hiding things from him and he was finding it hard to trust me, so he would try to ask me more to get the full or right answer. However, to me, because he was asking me so much, I felt like he was policing me and trying to catch me out doing something wrong, so I just tried to make sure I was doing everything by the book so I couldn’t be wrong. Telling him “love you” and “miss you” when I got the chance to. My reactions made him think that I was treating him like a check box because my messages weren’t personalised and could have been sent to anyone. My friends or him. This made him feel needy for attention from me, so he would sometimes try to find a reason to fight, and this would lead me to thinking that it was something I did wrong, so I would either try to fix myself, or stay away since I was the problem and.. as you can see.. an an atomic bomb explodes.
All this because I believed that he wasn’t interested in what I had to say, because he and I didn’t talk about what his responses meant, so I misunderstood him, making me respond in ways that made him feel guilty about asking me so much and fighting. All we needed to do was to TALK, so that we could UNDERSTAND each other, and by default, TRUST should be built from that.
You can build whatever equation you want: U = T + T, T + U = T, etc. The important variables are U, T, and T. Understanding. Talking. Trusting.
He told me that I have more power over him than I think. Although he is a very hard person and can create a reason for anything, I have the ability to tell him off, shut him off, and make my point known. Despite his confidence, he knows he isn’t right all the time, and does want me to challenge him and prove him wrong. I think that along the way, I’ve come to react to him like a “deer in headlights” whenever we begin to fight. I think it’s from my misconceptions from the start.
I don’t think that we will be able to change ourselves right away. He knows that he’s been wrong, and I know that I’ve been wrong, so after almost 6 months of being together, we need to dredge up and release those beliefs we’ve had since the beginning. However, I’m glad that it’s only been 6 months, and I believe that it would be as difficult to let go. Thing is, a lot of simple things become a hundred times harder when you have countries between you, with time as your pilot, and money as your copilot. You’re restricted to be with each other and to grow as a normal couple should.
He and I weren’t built to have our relationship grow while being apart. I think we’ve found the solution to the mechanics behind our relationship. We now just need to find one to help conquer the distance, before moving forward to Algorithm M.