How to love a woman

“You may not be her first, her last, or her only. She loved before, she may love again. But if she loves you now, what else matters? She’s not perfect – you aren’t either, and the two of you may never be perfect together. But if she can make you laugh, cause you to think twice, and admit to being human and making mistakes, hold onto her and give her the most you can. She may not be thinking about you every second of the day, but she will give you a part of her that she knows you can break – her heart. So don’t hurt her, don’t change her, don’t analyze, and don’t expect more than she can give. Smile when she makes you happy, let her know when she makes you mad, and miss her when she’s not there.”

~ Bob Marley

Blog name change!

Previously:  Being 28

That can only mean one thing…

♪ ♫ Joyeux anniverssaire, Parabéns, feliz cumpleaños, สุขสันต์วันเกิด, geseënde verjaarsdag, 생일 축하, xronia polla, སྐྱེས་སྐར་ཉིན་བཀྲ་ཤིས་བདེ་ལེགས།, buon compleanno, 祝你(or 我)生日快樂, maligayang kaarawan, HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO MEEEEEEE!!!!!  ♬ ♩

A thing to note about me.. my birthday lasts 36 hours.  It’s only fair as it has to cover all the time zones I’ve lived in  😉

My last full year of being in my 20’s.  I was originally going to write a little piece reflecting on my last 29 years, but then that makes it seem like I’m saying goodbye to my “youth”, whereas what I should be embracing my future, blessed for every nanosecond of my life.

Thank you God, for every single person, and every single thing in my life.  My family, N, my friends.  For all those who are in my life, and for those who used to be part of it.  Thank you for past every moment, and for all those yet to come.

Be present

I took a seminar a few years ago with a good friend of mine, and one of the main mantras the presenter kept repeating was, “Be Present.

I think that is so relevant, especially now since most of us have become so dependent on technology.  Waiting for the bus?  Pull out your Blackberry to BBM your friends, catching up on the latest news since you last spoke the night before.  On a train?  Watch movies or shows on your laptop to pass the time with laughter, rather than boredom.  Stuck in traffic?  Turn to your iPhone to post an angry update via Facebook about how stupid people shouldn’t be allowed to drive.

I’m guilty of all of the above and more.  We don’t take time to appreciate the moment anymore.  Last night while lying in bed trying to sleep, my mind was wandering down Thinking Too Much Lane.  Stepping foot back into the office after having been away for 3 weeks (horror!), how I have a new beautiful iPhone 4s waiting for me at home when I get back (an early birthday gift from my parents – YAY!!), planning our trip to the US for my friend’s wedding in September, visiting both Georgia and NYC (first time bridesmaid!).. My mind just wouldn’t stop!

Then it hit me.

I was in a warm bed, cuddled next to N, staying in a lovely house in the mountains of Lozere, France.  France!  I also have to highlight “cuddled next to N” because it’s not something he and I can take for granted, having been in a long distance relationship for most of our almost 2 years and 2 months together.  Our trip has given us 3 beautiful weeks together.  That’s the most time we have had with each other EVER since the start of our relationship.  I should be relishing in this time, feeling lucky, NOT anxious about things that haven’t even happened yet!  I brought myself back to the present, to the moment, listening to N’s heartbeat, feeling the rise and fall of his chest, and I slowly drifted off to sleep, lulled by the sound of his breathing.

I am reminded of this now, while on a 2.5 hour bus ride from Lozere to Clermand Ferrand.  If I was lost in my iPhone, or watching Modern Family on my laptop, I’d be inexcuseably missing out on the beautiful sights this part of the country has to offer.  The snow capped mountain tops, partially frozen rivers, horses standing valiantly upon white fields, long icicles hanging delicately from cliffs, small clusters of towns spread scenically over the landscape

Gorgeous.  Seeing and appreciating all this, with N sleeping in the crook of my elbow.

(Yes, he’s passed out.  He can sleep in any position, and it never ceases to make me chuckle.  This is one of the less entertaining ones, but I still couldn’t resist taking a photo).

If you look at the bigger picture, all those moments add up.  Look at how much we can, and do miss out on.  You can put a pause on technology, but no matter how advanced we get, we can’t ever put a pause on time.  We need to learn how to be present.  To be with, and live in the moment.  To appreciate where we are, who we are with, and what is happening right then and there.  This reminds me of another mantra that should we should all remember.  “This too shall pass.”  Whether things are great, or they could be better, the moment, and everything encompassing this moment, will pass.

So bring your eyes up, tune your brain to now, your senses, and release yourself to the moment.

(A side note:  I know it’s ironic of me to be typing about losing out on living in the moment, while on a bus, but when you get hit with the inspiration to write, you just gotta roll with the punch.  I’m going to stop now though because starting to feel ill from motion sickness, and I still have a 4 hour train ride to tackle after this.)

Love in an Email

“I know that I’m not easy, not easy to understand, not easy to bear, not easy to listen to, etc… but you try to overcome all that.

I want you to know that is not in vain. At the end of each day when I close my eyes and I complain about everything and about how miserable my life is, a blink and I realize how lucky I’m to one day had met you, one thought of you by my side makes me forget everything, I just thing of you laying next to me every day for eternity and I fall asleep.

My only struggle is that I want you so badly. I want you next to me, I want to share my life with you, I want to share every day and every moment with you, I want us to grow together… right now. But I can’t, there’s nothing I can do to make it happen. FRUSTRATION< MADNESS.  I need to ear your voice, I need to smell your fragrance, I need to feel your silky skin, I need to make one with you.

That is the only thing that makes me go mad and create all kind of odd situation between us me wanting you by my side but not being able to. I don’t know how to deal with that, I’ve been spoiled, for few years I did and I got what I wanted when I wanted so this situation it’s very hard for me to handle. I’m sorry you are the one suffering because of it. I’m already breaking my promess to  always make you happy no matter what.

I’m so sorry for making your life difficult instead of making it easier and happier. I hope in time I’ll make it up for it, I’m not sure if you’ll be happy with me or if I can make of you the princess you deserve to be. One thing is sure, since the day I kissed you, you haunt my mind and heart, my only goal since then is to make you happy and being happy because I’m doing so. So far I’m failing, the distance is not an excuse, maybe my frustration, my weakness, my fears, my ghosts,… are a possible reason, but there are no excuses.

From where I come from my only hopes were to survive, to make my mother not worried about myself, my future, to quietly lead a hard life and survive. Instead thanks to a few people I manage to overcome my complexes and do better than survive for the time being… until the day I met you when I felt that the miserable person I’m/was, was becoming the luckiest person in the world. So since then I think that the end is near, I fear the day you won’t love me any more will be around the corner, I fear that you’ll  soon realize you made a mistake and you’ll see you deserve better than me (… and you definitely do), I fear you’ll meet the man you really deserve…

After almost one year my love still growing for you, instead of fading out. It’s the most beautiful thing that ever happened to me. For long time I wish I could find the One person I could devote and dedicate my life to, the person that would be my motivation, my inspiration, my reason to be, my reason to settle down and think about the future, making a comfortable and healthy life, growing little angels, building the family I always dreamt of. And with you I found it, I feel so lucky and so greatful for that but every day that passes I feel and think you really deserve better than me, I feel that there is something wrong with the odds, I fear that soon the reason will take over taking you away from me, who don’t deserve you.

My life, my destiny is in your hands, it is all up to you. The place to be, the future the money, the soul, the heart… all. So think wisely, the choices I make and you make for me will write our future, don’t let it be but take it in hand. I’m yours.” — N

My 2010 Wish List

Towards the end of 2007, a few days before 2008 began, I wrote a wish list of what I wanted for 2008.  I had my heart severely broken and to get over it, my best friend helped introduce me to The Secret.  I started learning about the Law of Attraction and wanted to put it to use for my new life and a new me beginning once the clock struck 12 in 2008.  I don’t believe in New Years Resolutions, so instead wrote a “Wish List.”  I forgot about it soon afterwards, but from time to time, I would remember it in the back of mind.

Some time during the year, I went to look back upon it.  Several of the items on the list had come true, some hadn’t.  At the end of the year, more items had come true, but not all had.  That wasn’t the point of the list though.  It wasn’t for all my wishes to come true.  It was just to wish, and let it go.  Since then, I have written a “Wish List” a few days before the beginning of every year.

I know that having my wishes come true is both up to God, myself, and others.  I’m not a fool to think that it was completely God and luck, or that it was only my hard work.  It’s up to a myriad of factors coming together to make my wish come true.  That’s the mystery and beauty behind it.

The end of 2009 was no different.  I just took a look back on my list and here is a taste of what I found, in this order:

  • To be approached with good job opportunities and having them work out better than expected
  • To be loved madly, deeply, truly, faithfully, happily by my significant other with whom I feel the same with – To fall in love, but he loves me more
  • To be more specifically… For N to fall madly, respectfully, sweetly, deeply, unpossessively, irrevocably, faithfully, truly, regrettably, without turning back or without regrets, in love with me.  To need to be with me and have me in his life.  I would love for him to be my “the one” so I can stop searching, but I leave this to God.  I just ask for N not to leave me.
  • To have passionate and loving love making without regrets or catching anything
  • To have orgasms during love making
  • To be in love and to love without fear and/or regret
  • To travel overseas more than twice
  • To travel more, even for weekends and short trips throughout the year
  • To have all my loves last forever
  • To receive at least one bonus
  • To learn about investing and doing it successfully
  • To continue loving my job
  • To receive more international accounts to work on
  • To work with awesome client such as Mad
  • To look into ways to earn more money
  • To travel at least once overseas for work
  • To work on more photoshoots and TVCs
  • To continue being happy and passionate about life
  • To work on getting over my fear of needles
  • To be approached to work overseas for a legit job
  • Not to be redundant or unemployed
  • To be brave enough to get a blood test
  • To receive a job offer from overseas with a great package so I can move to work and live overseas with N
  • For N to propose to me, or be serious enough to
  • For N to be with me forever
  • To make/earn more money
  • To receive well paying job opportunities for N and my little “businesses’”

I had forgotten what I had written, so reading some of them again stopped my breathing a little.  The majority of them have manifested.  There are some that are on the way, and the remaining are the ones I’m confident about.

That makes me wonder.. should I take it as a hint to myself?  Is it a sign?

“To receive a job offer from overseas with a great package so I can move to work and live overseas with N”

Does that mean I should take the offer from Taiwan?  Am I supposed to move?  Is he my “The One?”

For rainy days

Yesterday

“You have to be happy baby about everything our situation is what it is but life goes no matter what so better with a smile.  SO SMILE 😀 😀 :D”

“The day you make a decision, whatever and whenever that is, hopefully i can look forward to more than spending 1 weekend with you […] Because I “kenlee bedou bedout you” […] You have no idea… Opening the door i wish for you to be there.  Your dress is there.  I put down my keys.  Your hand writing is there.  I grab cold water in the fridge.  Your cake is there.  I go to the rest room.  Your stuff is there.  I watch tv sitting on the sofa.  Your hair is there.  I have a shower.  Your stuff is there.  I go to bed.  Your sweet smell is there… I don’t know if smiling or crying… I’m fataly in love with you.  I don’t want to go there because you are everywhere and i can’t hold you.”

Today

“I’m very sensitive and emotional seeing you leaving me breaks my heart every time. Not because I don’t love you anymore but because you are the woman of my life and you are not with me. So should not let me go distant because all I want is your affection and attention”