Distance

Loving him sometimes feels like I’m about to hug a porcupine – blindfolded. I can’t tell whether the quills are up or down – whether he’ll prick me if I come close. It’s so sad that after 2+ years together, I still can’t read him. I wish we hadn’t been separated so early, for so long. There’s so much we could have had by now. It breaks my heart to think of how much we don’t.

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I need a change

I hate my job. Okay, maybe “hate” is too strong a word, but there are times when I feel it’s an understatement. I work in advertising. Don’t get me wrong, advertising is an exciting, fast paced, action packed industry that young people should experience. Advertising and I have a love-hate relationship. At the end of it all, I’m really glad I started here. I really recommend it to fresh, young, (especially single), energetic people. No day is the same, and anything and/or everything can change from one minute to the next. If you’re one of those who likes a little spice in your life, advertising is perfect. If I was still single and had different clients, I think I’d still love it. You may think that at 29, I am still one of these “young people.” I’m not. Especially as I’m finding that priorities are changing from career, to ME. Advertising is like a child. A needy, spoiled child. It comes first before everything. You spend all your time planning, either following the rules or tweaking them with the intention of keeping the child quiet and happy. Just when you think you’ve given it just enough candy…

WAAH!!! Sugar high! You’ve given it too much! Now it won’t stop running around, screaming – either at things or you, or both.

Or, WAAH!!! The kid didn’t want purple candy today, it wanted the green and orange striped one! Now it’s throwing itself onto the floor, kicking and throwing a tantrum for everyone (especially the “elders”) to see.

Or WAAH!!! It was full with the candy, and wanted something else to do to occupy itself.

Or, one of the “elders” gives you another brat or two to deal with. WAAH!!! WAAH!!!

You may be rolling your eyes and shaking your head at me, but this isn’t hyperbole. The larger your client, the larger the snotty child is. Every so not-very-often does the advertising deity bless you with a child who has passed the terrible twos. I was absent when this blessing was given.

It’s almost 2:50am, and I’m at the studio. A dark room, starting at 3 screens, with two of my bosses, and I’ve been here since 11am. My big boss just said I’m going to be here until 6am. Did I mention I have to come back at 10am?

My enjoyment and passion for this industry has waned. The money (which isn’t a lot) isn’t worth all the pain, and doesn’t come anywhere near compensating for the healthy, happy, sane life I’m missing out on. An industry promoting products whose existence are based upon lies (I work on food. Not even the packaging is real sometimes). It doesn’t care about me, nor I about it. I want something bigger than a career in this industry. I want a life! My life! I want to be excited about going to work in the morning, to push for the best from others and myself every day, to go to work with a smile, and return home with one. I want to be able to plan my life. To leave when “normal” people leave work, and rest on the weekends. I’m not a doctor, so why should I be on call??

Advertising will always have a special place in my heart, but right now, I need to call a time out.

Alone

I feel alone.  I shouldn’t, but I do.  I feel like I’m the one who has to try.  I have to be the glue, I have to be the proactive one, I have to be the one who makes others happy.  Why can’t other people make me happy? I have a boss who stresses me out at work, a Dad who stresses me out at home, and a boyfriend who stresses me out in my personal life.

I’m tired.  I’ve been sick for the past 3 weeks.  I just want to be pampered, treated like a princess, instead of having to walk on eggshells around everyone.

Boys are stupid

One of my bestest girlfriends from uni wanted to buy this poster for her wall, and no, she isn’t single and is almost engaged to her guy of 7 years. “Boys Are Stupid” will for ever be a mantra that I chant to myself, especially when one exasperates the hell out of me.

I am convinced that there is something in the little leg that is missing from the X chromosome, thus making it a Y chromosome, that makes all boys stupid. Boys Are Stupid. I’m sorry if that offends you, but I have yet to meet a boy (as all members of the male species are so, and will for ever be) who is an exception to this fact. All guys will manage to find that one way to piss us off by being stupid.

You’d think that with age, comes maturity. Turns out, they are mutually exclusive of one another. Being older doesn’t always equal acting older. Some guys even manage to have inverse relationship between these two variables.

Some guys aren’t intentionally stupid. They may genuinely not know how to act or think. I’m talking more about those guys that intentionally try to aggravate us to get a reaction. They do this out of fear, insecurity, boredom, or are convinced they are being clever. For some reason, to these guys, if the fan is spinning and it’s clean, they run around in a frenzy looking for whatever sh*t/dirt/dust to throw at it. Existing or not. It’s as though you running around, trying to keep a clean room isn’t showing them that you care. Looks easy to them because there’s nothing to see. No actual cleaning going on. Just light dusting. Probably looks like lazy work. What they need is proof. Evidence. More action. They need to see you cleaning crap up from this room, sometimes even scrubbing on your hands and knees to show them that you are physically cleaning. The sh*t is needed for extra effect so you can see the before, during, and after more clearly. Light dusting of a white room still maintains the appearance of a white room. Perhaps some sparkles if you look closely (but we all know how boys don’t look closely at things they should be looking at). However, turning a mucky room into a white sparkling room.. now that’s an obvious comparison to them.

Boys don’t understand that it takes consistent effort to keep a room clean. To keep the dust away. It’s so much easier to manage the small things to keep the overall order of everything. Letting mess pile up, or finding trash to throw into this room, to spend your time and effort cleaning from 10 back to 0 takes A LOT of energy. It takes A LOT of heart. It’s draining. But do boys understand this?

No.

Why?

Because. Boys. Are. Stupid.

..…equally as crazy, we always find some way to fall in love with them.

Needing a solution

It sucks to fight when neither one of you seems to understand the other. I’m at a loss at how to solve the problems because I’m not sure if the method isn’t working, or whether I’m even understanding the directions behind implementing the method?

A scenario if I may… You are presented with a problem. Problem A. You thought that the solution to A was B. So you do B. Apparently, when left to your own devices, you find out you may be problem-solving challenged. After much difficult confusion, you asked how to solve A and was answered with solution C. If you’re given the straight answer, then it shouldn’t be wrong. Especially when the person who answered it gave you the equation. So the route to solving A is C. So logically, when A becomes an itch, C is the cream.

Thing is, after applying, re-applying, and re-re-applying C, you come to find that A hasn’t healed. Maybe you heard the wrong. So you ask again. Yup, you did. Because what you thought was C was actually D. Close, but not the same. So you change your equation. D fixes A. Can’t be wrong now.

But over time, you find out that you are. But you don’t want to ask again, so maybe it’s a mix of B and C, and it wouldn’t hurt to try a little D right?

But it does hurt. Again. Because A is still there, itchy, red, stinging, crying to be shown some TLC. You fight the feeling of feeling stupid, so you ask again. This time you hear E. Or was it F? Doesn’t matter. You do E, F, some C, a bit of D, give G and H a go, even try I, and just to make sure, a pinch of B just to make sure you cover your bases. You must have gotten one of them right, right?

Nope. Instead, you’ve now irritated it even further. Apparently A is allergic to all those things, or immune because it’s now writhing in pain. The wound is now raw, bleeding, screaming for the love and care that you just can’t seem to give it!

Then after several more consultations because you’re at a complete loss, you don’t even know what the problem is anymore. Did he say A? Or L? Or was that an R that just rolled off his tongue? Or a strange pronunciation of W and X? Wait, was that a 3?? How did 9 get in here? When did we jump into numbers?? Then you remember him telling you before any of this happened..

He’s never known what an itch felt like.. so, how would he know the remedy to treat something he’s never experienced?

Or is that also another wrong answer?

… help …

Something or Some Things

There is something, or some things, that he specifically needs, that I am not giving/showing him.  I can reply all his messages the second he sends them, be online and give him all my attention, reduce time with others (except family) down to a bare minimum, take five minute showers, wait for him all day, use the sweetest words with him… but all those together still may not be enough.  There is something/some things that I am missing.

He’s been telling me that he needs me attention and devotion, but maybe it’s got to be shown in a specific way.

Tired

At this moment.. I feel very alone.  N is upset, I feel distant from those at work, and my friends and family don’t know so much about my working life.  That’s not to say that they won’t listen or understand.  I’m just not sure if I want any of them to know either.

I’ve been losing a lot of drive at work.  It’s been more apparent recently.  Today I’ve had two people speak to me about it.  One of them seems to have spoken with a few others and so his comments echo those of others that I can hear.

I’ve shared my feelings with N, and even though we’re from the same industry, he sometimes doesn’t understand my fear and my frustrations.  I’m frustrated at my lack of ability with the language I have to speak at work.  I know that can be fixed by going to classes, but I’ll get onto that.  I would obviously (and a good thing too) would much rather be spending my time with my guy.  He thinks that I should leave the company.  He doesn’t see a future for it and thinks I could be better off somewhere else.  He can see how frustrated I am with my language skills, that he is telling me to take time off and study how to read and write intensively.  He’s willing to give me time to stay here to do that, and to pay for classes.

Another reason is the work itself.  I’m so tired of the accounts I handle.  I’ve been the key account holder for one of them for two years.  Wouldn’t be a problem if it were a fun account.  There’s another whose products are something I am not interested in, and I’m not fond of the client themselves.  I’m stressed out when I have to go visit them.  I know my team feels the same.

A reason that I have not let bother me until N made it apparent, is the amount I don’t get paid.  I hold the biggest earning account, but I’m one of the lowest paid in the office.  I’m also about to get more work, which isn’t looking fair to me.  I didn’t mind in the past because I was learning.  Now, I don’t feel like I’m learning.  I think that may change though once I get my new accounts, but as mentioned before, they are additions, not substitutions.

Don’t get me wrong before I say this.  My team is great.  I work in a field where creativity is the essence of our “life.”  Be it our company life, or company’s life.  Our company is going through a transitional period where people are leaving, not so many are coming, and there aren’t enough people to do the job.  Our creative minds are exhausted and unenthusiastic.  Everyone, not just them, just live day-today with the aim of completing the work.  Not exceeding expectations, but just meeting deadlines or ways to apologise and crawl back into good graces if they aren’t met.  I can’t get excited about work that I don’t believe in.  I can’t push tired minds to bloom if the dirt above them is too heavy.

As our company is transitioning, maybe I should just suck it up to see where it goes.  But, if I’m tired and unmotivated, then why should I?  Why should I give up my own happiness and well-being for a corporation who only worries about numbers and not their people?

A big reason for me to stay, and for me to have stayed on this long is out of fear.  I fear that I’m not good enough and that no one else will give me a chance.  I know you probably want to kick me after reading that, but it’s a fear I have.  Which, N is right, can be quelled just by intensive studying.  I have an open mind to learn, it’s just not very opened right now.

I sometimes wonder if I’m shutting it off, or whether the drive really isn’t there anymore.  I don’t think I should doubt myself regarding that because I’m not 16 anymore and know what is bothering me and what isn’t.  I think that if I were able to get rid of some of my accounts, I would find fun and new energy in my work again.

But, this isn’t possible.  My boss said she wants me to prove and show ownership for the new accounts that I have before she hires someone new to take my old ones.  She is right.  But I’m tired.

I’m tired both regarding my working life, and my own personal life.  Fights between N and I are eating my energy.  They are often fights that have been creating from usually nothing.  Nothing in the sense that if he were here, or if we were together for longer, then they wouldn’t come up.  They spring up from our fears and insecurities.  We project them and behave in our own ways when we feel them.

Which brings me to.. should I take this as a sign to move on?  If so, then move where?  To a new company?  Change careers?  Move countries?  😦   Life is so different once you grow up.  I’m grateful that I don’t have issues such as money and family to worry about.  I’m from a loving and secure family.  I’m lucky that I don’t need to support anyone.  Even N is willing and wanting to support me.

I’m too used to having people make decisions for me, telling me what to do.  It’s what I’m used to after 27 years.  I’ve also made my own choices, some of them good, some didn’t turn out as I expected, but I’m here.  I guess I haven’t felt lost like this in a while.