Tired

At this moment.. I feel very alone.  N is upset, I feel distant from those at work, and my friends and family don’t know so much about my working life.  That’s not to say that they won’t listen or understand.  I’m just not sure if I want any of them to know either.

I’ve been losing a lot of drive at work.  It’s been more apparent recently.  Today I’ve had two people speak to me about it.  One of them seems to have spoken with a few others and so his comments echo those of others that I can hear.

I’ve shared my feelings with N, and even though we’re from the same industry, he sometimes doesn’t understand my fear and my frustrations.  I’m frustrated at my lack of ability with the language I have to speak at work.  I know that can be fixed by going to classes, but I’ll get onto that.  I would obviously (and a good thing too) would much rather be spending my time with my guy.  He thinks that I should leave the company.  He doesn’t see a future for it and thinks I could be better off somewhere else.  He can see how frustrated I am with my language skills, that he is telling me to take time off and study how to read and write intensively.  He’s willing to give me time to stay here to do that, and to pay for classes.

Another reason is the work itself.  I’m so tired of the accounts I handle.  I’ve been the key account holder for one of them for two years.  Wouldn’t be a problem if it were a fun account.  There’s another whose products are something I am not interested in, and I’m not fond of the client themselves.  I’m stressed out when I have to go visit them.  I know my team feels the same.

A reason that I have not let bother me until N made it apparent, is the amount I don’t get paid.  I hold the biggest earning account, but I’m one of the lowest paid in the office.  I’m also about to get more work, which isn’t looking fair to me.  I didn’t mind in the past because I was learning.  Now, I don’t feel like I’m learning.  I think that may change though once I get my new accounts, but as mentioned before, they are additions, not substitutions.

Don’t get me wrong before I say this.  My team is great.  I work in a field where creativity is the essence of our “life.”  Be it our company life, or company’s life.  Our company is going through a transitional period where people are leaving, not so many are coming, and there aren’t enough people to do the job.  Our creative minds are exhausted and unenthusiastic.  Everyone, not just them, just live day-today with the aim of completing the work.  Not exceeding expectations, but just meeting deadlines or ways to apologise and crawl back into good graces if they aren’t met.  I can’t get excited about work that I don’t believe in.  I can’t push tired minds to bloom if the dirt above them is too heavy.

As our company is transitioning, maybe I should just suck it up to see where it goes.  But, if I’m tired and unmotivated, then why should I?  Why should I give up my own happiness and well-being for a corporation who only worries about numbers and not their people?

A big reason for me to stay, and for me to have stayed on this long is out of fear.  I fear that I’m not good enough and that no one else will give me a chance.  I know you probably want to kick me after reading that, but it’s a fear I have.  Which, N is right, can be quelled just by intensive studying.  I have an open mind to learn, it’s just not very opened right now.

I sometimes wonder if I’m shutting it off, or whether the drive really isn’t there anymore.  I don’t think I should doubt myself regarding that because I’m not 16 anymore and know what is bothering me and what isn’t.  I think that if I were able to get rid of some of my accounts, I would find fun and new energy in my work again.

But, this isn’t possible.  My boss said she wants me to prove and show ownership for the new accounts that I have before she hires someone new to take my old ones.  She is right.  But I’m tired.

I’m tired both regarding my working life, and my own personal life.  Fights between N and I are eating my energy.  They are often fights that have been creating from usually nothing.  Nothing in the sense that if he were here, or if we were together for longer, then they wouldn’t come up.  They spring up from our fears and insecurities.  We project them and behave in our own ways when we feel them.

Which brings me to.. should I take this as a sign to move on?  If so, then move where?  To a new company?  Change careers?  Move countries?  😦   Life is so different once you grow up.  I’m grateful that I don’t have issues such as money and family to worry about.  I’m from a loving and secure family.  I’m lucky that I don’t need to support anyone.  Even N is willing and wanting to support me.

I’m too used to having people make decisions for me, telling me what to do.  It’s what I’m used to after 27 years.  I’ve also made my own choices, some of them good, some didn’t turn out as I expected, but I’m here.  I guess I haven’t felt lost like this in a while.

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What is the recipe for success?

I just read this from Blake Shelton and it gives me some confidence…

“Miranda and I have been together, it’s getting close to five years now,” he said. “We’ve had our good years and our bad years and our really bad years. But I think right now, she and I have a stronger relationship than we’ve ever had, even in the early times when it was new and exciting, it still didn’t feel like it feels right now. We’ve been through a lot together, and we’ve toughed it out. It’s exciting to me.”

“Probably for the first time I can realistically say, I can see us being together forever,” he added. “I can see us getting married one day, maybe, where before you would never have gotten me to say something like that. As far as I’m concerned we’re definitely closer than we’ve ever been to maybe taking that step.”

I guess because this level of seriousness is all new to me, I look for benchmarks to measure my level of confidence.  I know it’s wrong.  Every relationship is different.  But some of us are better students of other’s examples, some by experience.

I’ve always been one for experience.  Especially in the realm of amour.  But this time, the experience is jumping a stage or two, rather than running extra steps.  To uproot and to move, to follow someone who has shown you for ever in a few months.. this is the pinch of scary with handful of exciting, in a bowl of adventure.  The adventure bowl is getting grains of both ingredients.  Most of the time, it feels as though the hand is afraid to let go, allowing the pinch to become overwhelming.  The hand is getting tired, but doesn’t know whether it’s making the right decision or not.  Is this the stage where it’s better to follow the recipe book, or to wing it?  Being unfamiliar at cooking, and this dish, what if the mix isn’t right?  I know it’s all about learning by trial and error, but what if it the results are catastrophic?  I could burn my hand, reminding me of the pain of learning how to cook.

But then again, there is a reason as to why God gave me two, right?