Love in an Email

“I know that I’m not easy, not easy to understand, not easy to bear, not easy to listen to, etc… but you try to overcome all that.

I want you to know that is not in vain. At the end of each day when I close my eyes and I complain about everything and about how miserable my life is, a blink and I realize how lucky I’m to one day had met you, one thought of you by my side makes me forget everything, I just thing of you laying next to me every day for eternity and I fall asleep.

My only struggle is that I want you so badly. I want you next to me, I want to share my life with you, I want to share every day and every moment with you, I want us to grow together… right now. But I can’t, there’s nothing I can do to make it happen. FRUSTRATION< MADNESS.  I need to ear your voice, I need to smell your fragrance, I need to feel your silky skin, I need to make one with you.

That is the only thing that makes me go mad and create all kind of odd situation between us me wanting you by my side but not being able to. I don’t know how to deal with that, I’ve been spoiled, for few years I did and I got what I wanted when I wanted so this situation it’s very hard for me to handle. I’m sorry you are the one suffering because of it. I’m already breaking my promess to  always make you happy no matter what.

I’m so sorry for making your life difficult instead of making it easier and happier. I hope in time I’ll make it up for it, I’m not sure if you’ll be happy with me or if I can make of you the princess you deserve to be. One thing is sure, since the day I kissed you, you haunt my mind and heart, my only goal since then is to make you happy and being happy because I’m doing so. So far I’m failing, the distance is not an excuse, maybe my frustration, my weakness, my fears, my ghosts,… are a possible reason, but there are no excuses.

From where I come from my only hopes were to survive, to make my mother not worried about myself, my future, to quietly lead a hard life and survive. Instead thanks to a few people I manage to overcome my complexes and do better than survive for the time being… until the day I met you when I felt that the miserable person I’m/was, was becoming the luckiest person in the world. So since then I think that the end is near, I fear the day you won’t love me any more will be around the corner, I fear that you’ll  soon realize you made a mistake and you’ll see you deserve better than me (… and you definitely do), I fear you’ll meet the man you really deserve…

After almost one year my love still growing for you, instead of fading out. It’s the most beautiful thing that ever happened to me. For long time I wish I could find the One person I could devote and dedicate my life to, the person that would be my motivation, my inspiration, my reason to be, my reason to settle down and think about the future, making a comfortable and healthy life, growing little angels, building the family I always dreamt of. And with you I found it, I feel so lucky and so greatful for that but every day that passes I feel and think you really deserve better than me, I feel that there is something wrong with the odds, I fear that soon the reason will take over taking you away from me, who don’t deserve you.

My life, my destiny is in your hands, it is all up to you. The place to be, the future the money, the soul, the heart… all. So think wisely, the choices I make and you make for me will write our future, don’t let it be but take it in hand. I’m yours.” — N

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Alone

I feel alone.  I shouldn’t, but I do.  I feel like I’m the one who has to try.  I have to be the glue, I have to be the proactive one, I have to be the one who makes others happy.  Why can’t other people make me happy? I have a boss who stresses me out at work, a Dad who stresses me out at home, and a boyfriend who stresses me out in my personal life.

I’m tired.  I’ve been sick for the past 3 weeks.  I just want to be pampered, treated like a princess, instead of having to walk on eggshells around everyone.