The morning after

In several Emails from him to me…

“I terribly miss you and terribly love you I just want to feel it back. I’m sorry for being this way

You’ve done nothing wrong I just can’t handle the distance, I’m not that strong after all. I never suffer from it because always detached from everything but now there is you. I’m going insane I’m sorry…

Sharing few of my last nights thoughts… I’m not sermoning you, this is from my point of you and not meant to attack you, I’m sharing my mind.

I’m a pain because I need to feel you are close even if we’re are apart, I need attention, I need to know, I need to be re assured and more… I wish we could behave like if we’re living together but it seems to difficult. I need to share your heart and soul and I don’t want to take less, before you told me to wait and to be patient and I did wait. Now I moved here for wrong reasons [since you can no longer come], I try to get you with me, I try to look for a job there to return, I talk to your father and I feel I got nothing in return but suffering.

Clearly I don’t feel like a priority for you but I guess I’m asking too much also. After talking to your father and mother it seems that that I’m expecting some return from you but maybe is the wrong way to see things.

It feels you don’t want to engage with me and you still optioning for your single life or a life with me. If I don’t say anything, don’t call or anything you quickly seem to replace me with other occupations because you are assuming I don’t know what but if you don’t ear from me is because I’m not well not because I’m having fun. We have to fight for you to remember that I’m here and it’s hard but I’m doing it for a better future with you, then you remember but it doesn’t feel spontaneous anymore… I’m very scared because it feels you forget about me with the distance… I tell you that and we fight… you remember… then you forget… then I tell you and we fight… then you remember… and so on.

I’m afraid also because it seems that you are fine with everything with or without me, talking to me or not talking to me, me sad or happy, us fighting or not, me being distant or not and so on. As far as you carry on with your personal and professional life, me just a detail.

I ask for help, tell you I’m crying and you don’t even try to help me or think about how I feel or to cheer me up instead we start to fight. You just feel attacked and look at yourself to see what you did wrong or what you haven’t done and throw at me that you sending me messages and you tell me you don’t understand. I feel it selfish why can’t you think what is wrong with him, why is he calling for attention, “oh oh… we also mentioned crying” so why was he crying.

I feel you always think I’m pointing the finger at you but I’m not at all, I feel you think I’m always shouting at you and I’m not, the 3 past nights I was crying talking to you and that’s why I don’t pick up the phone or go on webcam but you just don’t care…

It’s heavy stuff sorry for that I hope you understand some of the way I feel and don’t take it as an attack, my eyes are tearing now because I wish you could understand the way I feel better to care more about me and spontaneously, instead of look at yourself and try to understand what you did wrong because you did nothing wrong you just look at the wrong person. There is no blame and no one to blame. I’m not pointing finger i’m desperate asking for help and not getting any but a fight.”

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