Not without stumbling

Although the path may be more right than before, no route is without its pebbles and the occasional rock to trip you up.

That’s okay. Just makes you pay closer attention and know what to do the next time you stumble or fall 😀

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Capturing our early magic

Today was the first time in so many months that I feel like we’ve captured the magic we felt in the early days of our relationship. We talked. All day. Chatting during the day and over webcam at night. I haven’t felt so close and intimate with him for so long. I didn’t realise how much our problems had us chained up. I feel so light and free now. Knowing that he’s not stopping me from doing anything, I just need to talk to him and open up about the things I do.

“I love you and just want us to be able in the future to avoid those misunderstandings and understand each other perfectly heart and soul by going to the knowing each other part know by talking our hearts. I want to be your soul and heart mate and you to be mine”

We spoke about what we did during the day, the percentage of people in the world who had access to the basic necessities in life, our upcoming trip to France, his exercise routine and the contraptions in the gym that he uses, conversations we had during the day.. Simple, random, normal topics, full of laughter, and just.. perfect. 😀 We didn’t even realise that almost 4 hours had passed by!!

When you’re far, you have to hold on to every moment that makes you smile. I don’t think either one of us have smiled or felt free in a long time. I really feel like we’re on the road to getting us back, and I know we’re going to fall even deeper in love with each other during our journey. I’m so happy and I feel more confident about myself, about him, and about us. 😀

U + T²

We had a long talk last night. Around 5 hours long I think. It was one of the best talks we’ve had since being together. I think we both came away with the same solution..

U + T²

Understanding. Talking. Trusting.

We were able to talk and explain both our sides. I felt that he was accusing me, policing me, not accepting things from my view, me feeling like I was doing something wrong, not doing something good enough..

He felt like I didn’t care, that I hid things from him, that I had a “secret life” because with every time he asked the same question, he would get a different answer, I would leave him alone whenever we had problems..

During the 5 hours, we realised that all of this came from misunderstandings and assumptions we had made about each other. This made for an unstable foundation, so every time we thought we had a solution, we didn’t, because we weren’t seeing the real problem.

An example.. I thought that when he had a problem, I felt like I was being accused and the one in the wrong, so since I thought I was in the wrong, I would keep away. To him, that was the opposite of what he needed. He needed me to be there for him, to show him that I care, to be able to talk. Not even about us sometimes, but even other things to take his mind off his problems. To cheer him up because the problem wasn’t always regarding me. He said that over time, I stopped talking to him. Stopped telling him things. I realised that the reason why I stopped doing that, was because I thought he wasn’t interested. The way he responded to what I said would be silence, or “hmm.” To me, both mean, “please stop talking.. okay, moving on.. yeah, really not interested.. uh huh, boring boring boring.” He never did say any of that though. I just assumed my own meanings from his responses without talking to him and understanding him, and his decided the problem was me, so I just talked less to bore him.

This lead to him thinking that I didn’t want to talk to him, so he would have to ask me questions to fish information from me. Not in a bad way. What I did during the day, the conversations I had with people, who these people are to me, how I felt.. not in a nosy way, but that he felt I wasn’t letting him into my life, so he’s having to find ways to open me up to him. But every time he asked me, I would end up giving him a different reason each time as I was giving him the short version, because I thought what I had to say wasn’t interesting. My “different stories” made him feel like I was hiding things from him and he was finding it hard to trust me, so he would try to ask me more to get the full or right answer. However, to me, because he was asking me so much, I felt like he was policing me and trying to catch me out doing something wrong, so I just tried to make sure I was doing everything by the book so I couldn’t be wrong. Telling him “love you” and “miss you” when I got the chance to. My reactions made him think that I was treating him like a check box because my messages weren’t personalised and could have been sent to anyone. My friends or him. This made him feel needy for attention from me, so he would sometimes try to find a reason to fight, and this would lead me to thinking that it was something I did wrong, so I would either try to fix myself, or stay away since I was the problem and.. as you can see.. an an atomic bomb explodes.

All this because I believed that he wasn’t interested in what I had to say, because he and I didn’t talk about what his responses meant, so I misunderstood him, making me respond in ways that made him feel guilty about asking me so much and fighting. All we needed to do was to TALK, so that we could UNDERSTAND each other, and by default, TRUST should be built from that.

You can build whatever equation you want: U = T + T, T + U = T, etc. The important variables are U, T, and T. Understanding. Talking. Trusting.

He told me that I have more power over him than I think. Although he is a very hard person and can create a reason for anything, I have the ability to tell him off, shut him off, and make my point known. Despite his confidence, he knows he isn’t right all the time, and does want me to challenge him and prove him wrong. I think that along the way, I’ve come to react to him like a “deer in headlights” whenever we begin to fight. I think it’s from my misconceptions from the start.

I don’t think that we will be able to change ourselves right away. He knows that he’s been wrong, and I know that I’ve been wrong, so after almost 6 months of being together, we need to dredge up and release those beliefs we’ve had since the beginning. However, I’m glad that it’s only been 6 months, and I believe that it would be as difficult to let go. Thing is, a lot of simple things become a hundred times harder when you have countries between you, with time as your pilot, and money as your copilot. You’re restricted to be with each other and to grow as a normal couple should.

He and I weren’t built to have our relationship grow while being apart. I think we’ve found the solution to the mechanics behind our relationship. We now just need to find one to help conquer the distance, before moving forward to Algorithm M.

The morning after

In several Emails from him to me…

“I terribly miss you and terribly love you I just want to feel it back. I’m sorry for being this way

You’ve done nothing wrong I just can’t handle the distance, I’m not that strong after all. I never suffer from it because always detached from everything but now there is you. I’m going insane I’m sorry…

Sharing few of my last nights thoughts… I’m not sermoning you, this is from my point of you and not meant to attack you, I’m sharing my mind.

I’m a pain because I need to feel you are close even if we’re are apart, I need attention, I need to know, I need to be re assured and more… I wish we could behave like if we’re living together but it seems to difficult. I need to share your heart and soul and I don’t want to take less, before you told me to wait and to be patient and I did wait. Now I moved here for wrong reasons [since you can no longer come], I try to get you with me, I try to look for a job there to return, I talk to your father and I feel I got nothing in return but suffering.

Clearly I don’t feel like a priority for you but I guess I’m asking too much also. After talking to your father and mother it seems that that I’m expecting some return from you but maybe is the wrong way to see things.

It feels you don’t want to engage with me and you still optioning for your single life or a life with me. If I don’t say anything, don’t call or anything you quickly seem to replace me with other occupations because you are assuming I don’t know what but if you don’t ear from me is because I’m not well not because I’m having fun. We have to fight for you to remember that I’m here and it’s hard but I’m doing it for a better future with you, then you remember but it doesn’t feel spontaneous anymore… I’m very scared because it feels you forget about me with the distance… I tell you that and we fight… you remember… then you forget… then I tell you and we fight… then you remember… and so on.

I’m afraid also because it seems that you are fine with everything with or without me, talking to me or not talking to me, me sad or happy, us fighting or not, me being distant or not and so on. As far as you carry on with your personal and professional life, me just a detail.

I ask for help, tell you I’m crying and you don’t even try to help me or think about how I feel or to cheer me up instead we start to fight. You just feel attacked and look at yourself to see what you did wrong or what you haven’t done and throw at me that you sending me messages and you tell me you don’t understand. I feel it selfish why can’t you think what is wrong with him, why is he calling for attention, “oh oh… we also mentioned crying” so why was he crying.

I feel you always think I’m pointing the finger at you but I’m not at all, I feel you think I’m always shouting at you and I’m not, the 3 past nights I was crying talking to you and that’s why I don’t pick up the phone or go on webcam but you just don’t care…

It’s heavy stuff sorry for that I hope you understand some of the way I feel and don’t take it as an attack, my eyes are tearing now because I wish you could understand the way I feel better to care more about me and spontaneously, instead of look at yourself and try to understand what you did wrong because you did nothing wrong you just look at the wrong person. There is no blame and no one to blame. I’m not pointing finger i’m desperate asking for help and not getting any but a fight.”

Needing a solution

It sucks to fight when neither one of you seems to understand the other. I’m at a loss at how to solve the problems because I’m not sure if the method isn’t working, or whether I’m even understanding the directions behind implementing the method?

A scenario if I may… You are presented with a problem. Problem A. You thought that the solution to A was B. So you do B. Apparently, when left to your own devices, you find out you may be problem-solving challenged. After much difficult confusion, you asked how to solve A and was answered with solution C. If you’re given the straight answer, then it shouldn’t be wrong. Especially when the person who answered it gave you the equation. So the route to solving A is C. So logically, when A becomes an itch, C is the cream.

Thing is, after applying, re-applying, and re-re-applying C, you come to find that A hasn’t healed. Maybe you heard the wrong. So you ask again. Yup, you did. Because what you thought was C was actually D. Close, but not the same. So you change your equation. D fixes A. Can’t be wrong now.

But over time, you find out that you are. But you don’t want to ask again, so maybe it’s a mix of B and C, and it wouldn’t hurt to try a little D right?

But it does hurt. Again. Because A is still there, itchy, red, stinging, crying to be shown some TLC. You fight the feeling of feeling stupid, so you ask again. This time you hear E. Or was it F? Doesn’t matter. You do E, F, some C, a bit of D, give G and H a go, even try I, and just to make sure, a pinch of B just to make sure you cover your bases. You must have gotten one of them right, right?

Nope. Instead, you’ve now irritated it even further. Apparently A is allergic to all those things, or immune because it’s now writhing in pain. The wound is now raw, bleeding, screaming for the love and care that you just can’t seem to give it!

Then after several more consultations because you’re at a complete loss, you don’t even know what the problem is anymore. Did he say A? Or L? Or was that an R that just rolled off his tongue? Or a strange pronunciation of W and X? Wait, was that a 3?? How did 9 get in here? When did we jump into numbers?? Then you remember him telling you before any of this happened..

He’s never known what an itch felt like.. so, how would he know the remedy to treat something he’s never experienced?

Or is that also another wrong answer?

… help …